My Birth Story

We are coming up on a year since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Raury. This blog has been a space I have wanted to pour into for a while, but the past year I have really been focused on transitioning into motherhood. It has been such a beautiful and challenging transition, something I will share about hopefully in another blog post. For now, I hope you enjoy reading the story of the birth of Raury!

Head ups: my labor was a total of 60 hours, so this is a bit of a lengthy story :)

The end of pregnancy was really challenging for me. I was physically uncomfortable and mentally really struggling to stay patient. I stopped working at 39 weeks and Raury was born at 41+3. So those final two weeks felt like an eternity! At my 40 week midwife visit, baby’s head was still pretty high in my pelvis, much to my dismay. I had been doing so much walking, pelvic tilts, and all of the spinning babies stretches in an attempt to bring her down lower. But as my midwife noted, my pelvic floor was super tight! I also saw a chiropractor who said my abdominal muscles were holding my baby tight and not allowing her to descend into my pelvis. The chiropractor showed me some stretches and breathing exercises to help encourage her to descend. These were so helpful in labor as well!

Throughout my pregnancy I struggled with borderline high blood pressure and did a lot of things to keep it in check including taking my blood pressure at home, changing my diet, and drinking very bitter liver supporting herbs every morning of the last trimester. Then at 40 weeks I had my highest reading yet:140/90. This is the cut off for when I would need to transfer to the hospital. My midwife took it again at it was 130/90 but she said, “we need this baby to come out.” She was smiling and did not seem too concerned, but I was pretty stressed. We decided she should check to see if I was at all dilated to potentially do a membrane sweep, and I was barely 1cm and my cervix was still really thick—not dilated enough for a membrane sweep. Cue anxiety on top of the impatience that was already brewing…..

Throughout my pregnancy, I stood firm that I didn’t want to try to naturally induce myself. I believe it is important to trust our baby and our bodies. Letting labor begin spontaneously can often lead to a smoother labor and fewer potential interventions. I did do some curb walking, but mostly a lot of breath work and talking to my baby. I was reminding her (and myself) that I trusted her timing and how she wanted to be born.

I started to lose my mucus plug on June 15th. Finally, signs of my body preparing! Then the 16th and 17th passed without any more signs or change or progress.

The morning of June 18th I woke up to more mucus and some bloody show. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Then around 1pm that day I started to feel a little crampy—these weren’t Braxton Hicks anymore. Contractions started to become more regular and by 6pm I knew I was in early labor, as the contractions were getting stronger and staying consistent. I count this as the start of my labor.

I called my midwife to let her know I was contracting and she advised me to do my best to get some rest that night. So that’s what I did! I hopped into bed and did my best to get some sleep but it was so hard to sleep through the contractions. I nodded off between surges until I couldn’t anymore. In these moments I was feeling so many things. I was excited and motivated. I was energized! So eager to experience labor and meet my baby.

Around 4am I knew I needed to get out of bed and add some movement, as the surges were getting pretty uncomfortable. I woke Brady up and we went out into the living room. These parts of labor were some of my favorite, the intimate moments of just Brady and I preparing to meet our baby. We went for a walk around 5:30am as the sun was rising. The contractions actually felt kind of good at this point. Each time I would have one, we would stop and I would lean on him and look up at the sky. As the contraction passed I told him I felt high—some strong hormones were at work! The endorphins after each surge literally made me feel high and giggly.

Around 7:30am surges were about 4 minutes apart so we called our doula. Even though they were getting closer together, I could tell I still was not in active labor. Mentally and cognitively I was too present and coherent between surges to be in active labor. And so it continued all day, surge after surge until they started to space out a little. Now 7ish minutes apart. What was happening, why wasn’t I in active labor yet? Around 5pm, we called my midwife. We decided she should come over so she could check me and make a game plan.

My midwife came over around 5pm on June 19th. Before she got there I said to my doula that I was probably 2cm. Something in me just told me I still had a long way to go. My midwife checked my cervix and as I suspected I was 2cm, but I was also 90% effaced and baby was finally engaged in my pelvis. That was progress! In that moment I still felt calm and confident. “I can do this” I told myself. In the back of my head I was telling myself this baby was going to probably be born on June 20th. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t held into that date so tightly.

I felt badly for calling my doula so early. She had been there with us for most of the day and I wasn’t even in active labor yet. But she was helpful beyond words for each and every surge. My doula and my midwife left and Brady and I made a plan for the night. I tried to eat a little something and make sure I was staying as hydrated as possible, but I didn’t have much of an appetite. That evening I told Brady to prioritize getting some rest. I told him I would give him the bedroom because me moaning through surges would keep him up. I decided to call my sister to come over to support me while he got some sleep. This is another one of my favorite parts of my labor. My sister, Tyler, came over and we turned on my electric candles and some peaceful music. We put a heating pad on my back and she gave me a massage and counter pressure through surges. I did my best to fall asleep but again the sensations were pretty intense. But in those moments I felt so held, loved, and supported by my sister.

Around 1am I felt like I was leaking fluid. With each contraction, a little more fluid would come out. Was this my water breaking? I went to the bathroom and the pad I was wearing was covered in pink fluid. I used a amincator from my birth kit to test the fluid, and it confirmed it was my waters, yay!

Tyler left around 1:30am to get some sleep and I tried to cope on my own. I woke Brady up at 4am again because I needed support. Surges were 4 minutes apart and I was starting to get tired and mentally getting in my head a bit. I was going on my second full night without sleep and my body was working so hard. When would this baby come?

As the sun began to rise on the morning of the 20th, I was feeling a mix of excitement and frustration. Each surge was bringing my baby closer! But when would they be born and what could I do to encourage labor to progress? Once again, my labor started to slow down as the sun came up. Surges went from about 3 minutes apart to 6 minutes apart. It felt like they would pick up just to slow down again.

In these moments of the early morning, Brady said I told him I felt like he was going to give up on me. I said, “Don’t let me quit. Don’t let me give up on myself.” It was a really challenging moment for him.

I called my midwife around 8am and asked her what my options were to help augment my labor or speed things along. She decided to come over to discuss options. We decided my options were nipple stimulation, some Wishgarden labor support herbs, or castor oil. After discussing them, I decided I would blow up the tub and get in there to help my body relax, try the herbs and if that didn’t help by around 12pm I would take castor oil.

At this point my body was aching. All of the counter pressure, hip squeezes, and massages from the day before had made me feel sore. I wanted more counter pressure but would wince in pain anytime someone tried to offer it. Getting in the tub was helpful. I put my labor playlist on, looked at my affirmations and worked hard to get myself back in the zone. My midwife left and Tyler came back over. It was me, Tyler, and Brady for a few hours. I was in the tub, we had good music playing, and Tyler made me some chicken to snack on.

The herbs seemed to be helping. My midwife came back around 10am and we moved to the toilet. Oh my gosh was that intense!! With each surge I pictured my cervix opening and my baby moving down. Around 11am while on the toilet, I felt a ton of pressure all of a sudden and a big pop followed by a gush of fluid. I was so confused because my water broke at 1am but I guess it broke again! We looked in the toilet and there was some meconium (baby’s first bowel movement). My midwife did not seem too concerned but I felt a little worried. I didn’t want my baby to be in distress.

From here, I just labored all over the house. In the tub, my bed, the living room,walking around the block, the kitchen. Everywhere!

I was starting to feel a lot of pressure and it felt like my breathing was changing. I was also starting to experience those thoughts that go along with transition.
I can’t do this.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
This baby is never coming out.
Was I getting close to pushing?

Around 4pm on the 20th my midwife checked me again and I was 8cm! Oh my gosh I was so excited to hear this. This meant I would finally meet my baby soon, right?? We called the assistant midwife and my birth photographer to come join.

Despite the adrenaline rush this gave me, I was so tired and my body was fatiguing. I was reaching 48 hours of labor, little fuel, and little sleep. These next part of labor are kind of a blur.

I decided to get in the shower to have a moment alone to give myself a pep talk. But when I got out I felt like I was going to pass out. I proceeded to throw up a few times. Again in my doula brain I was so excited, all signs of progress! I was still feeling pressure and like I was bearing down. A few hours later, around 8pm, my midwife checked me again and I was still 8cm….

All of a sudden, surges spaced out a bit again. They were coming about 7 minutes apart. Part of me was frustrated it was slowing down again, but mostly I was enjoying the break. I swear at this point I was floating in and out of consciousness—tired and just absolutely wiped of energy.

My midwife sensed that I was likely dehydrated, so she decided to give me an IV. I have really tiny veins and they roll, so it’s always hard to find a vein for IVs or blood draws. My midwife tried multiple times to get a vein, and after about three unsuccessful pokes she had the assistant midwife try. As the assistant midwife was trying to get a vein, I remember looking up and seeing my sister crying. She then left the room so I wouldn’t see her crying. She later told me it was really hard for her to see how vulnerable I was and to have them poke me so many times.

Eventually, the assistant midwife got a vein and the fluids started flowing. They definitely helped! Surges picked up again and I started to find a good groove. Focusing my energy and power down, I was begging my baby to move down and come out. Apparently I was saying pretty funny things during this time. I was feeling a mix of exhaustion, annoyance, and power. Just working so so hard to bring my baby to my arms.

Around 11:45pm I wanted to be checked because I was feeling so much pressure and a desire to push. My midwife checked me and I was 8/9cm.

This stung.

How was I still not complete? I was exhausted beyond words and I felt betrayed by my body. Why wasn’t I progressing anymore? Cue a bit of an emotion spiral.

My midwife, Tyler, Brady, and my doula all worked to reassure me that I was so close, that I could do this! My midwife then made a comment—“you seem really angry. and it’s not fun for other people to be around you when you’re angry.”

Being called angry is a big trigger for me and I started to spiral even more. Surges had been intense and uncomfortable but with my mental state unraveling they started to feel unbearable. I remember saying it felt like someone was trying to rip my spine out. The fear-tension-pain cycle started and I knew something needed to change. I asked everybody but Brady to leave the room. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him I had crossed the line into suffering. I wanted to go to transfer to the hospital and get an epidural.

I didn’t want to feel how I was feeling when I met my baby. Frustrated, exhausted, and scared. Some first time moms can push for 3 hours and I didn’t have the energy for that. I needed rest and I needed a change of location. I suddenly didn’t feel safe in my home and I felt this all-encompassing, animalistic desire to run.

He kept thinking back to the night before when I said I thought he would give up on me, so it was hard for him to decipher whether supporting me transferring would be him giving up. But in that moment he listened to me and exactly what I needed and put everything in motion to transfer.

We grabbed the hospital bag, the car seat and we were off.

Transferring at 9cm, I knew there was a possibility for the baby to come out during the car ride to the hospital. But I didn’t care—I needed to get out of my house and would have the baby anywhere but there. But boy did that car ride suck. I felt every bump in the road, bracing myself for each oncoming surge. Screaming in pain, I had lost the ability to cope. I was wishing my baby would pop out in the car just so the pain would stop and labor would be over.

We arrived at the hospital and it probably sounded like someone was being murdered as I waddled as quickly as I could to triage. It felt like my baby was going to come out of my butt! They got us checked in really quickly, up to a room, and I got in the tub in the room. The nurses and midwives were INCREDIBLE, cheering me on and telling how strong I was.

After about 20 minutes in the tub, the anesthesiologist arrived—finally!! I have never been as still in my life as I was when I was waiting for the epidural. Once it was in, it took about 2 surges for me to finally feel comfortable. Sweet relief!! A fog lifted and I look at Tyler and Brady and said “I think I made the right call.”

I was planning to nap and get some rest before pushing. But a midwife came in and checked me and I was 10cm and +2 station (+3 is crowning).

She said “it’s time to have a baby!”

After all of those hour of labor, I almost forgot there was a baby at the end of all of this. I started pushing with everything I had left in my body. With the first push you could already see a head.

40 minutes later, at 4:13am on June 21st, my baby was here. Brady helped catch her and announced “IT’S A GIRL!”

I did it.
It was over.
I had a daughter.
And we were both healthy.

Immediately postpartum I felt so much bliss and joy. I was so proud of myself for speaking up when I felt I needed to transfer. It was an empowered epidural and clearly exactly what my body needed to relax and open.

But as the day went on, I was overcome with embarrassment. I felt like I “failed” or like I gave up on myself. Processing these emotions and everything that occurred was really challenging for me. Being a doula also added a layer of shame. “I should have been able to continue unmedicated.”

But I do not have to speak of my birth in dichotomies.
I had a home birth and a hospital birth.
I had an unmedicated and medicated birth.
All can exist at once.

Most importantly, I used my voice to speak up when things needed to change and I am beyond grateful for the support of Tyler and Brady.

As a birth worker, I realized I was feeling this unspoken pressure to have the “perfect” birth and my birth didn’t fit that narrative. Many birth workers say there is no ideal birth or that they support all types of birth, but it feels like there is a hierarchy of birth where unmedicated home births are held in the highest esteem—the most impressive, powerful, and respected. I even believed some of these things. But my birth taught me so many lessons. Lessons that have helped become a great mother and a better doula.